Nicole Lam Website

Nicole Lam

Registered Clinical Counselor

Nicole Lam is a Registered Clinical Counselor based in Vancouver, BC, Canada. With over 2 years of experience, Nicole is the founder of Ren Therapy and specializes in relationship anxiety and attachment. A few therapeutic approaches that inform her work include Attachment Theory, Somatic Therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Mindfulness Therapy, EMDR, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and Solution-Focused Therapy (SFT). With previous experience in social media and digital marketing, Nicole also shares mental health reminders and insights online to over 100k followers. Nicole has a master of Counselling Psychology degree from City University of Seattle, where she graduated on the President’s Honours List. Nicole is currently licensed with the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors (BCACC).

Education

  • Master of Counselling Psychology, City University of Seattle
  • BComm, Sauder School of Business, University of British Columbia

Professional Achievements

  • Recently trained in LENS Neurofeedback and EMDR within her first year of licensure

Certifications & Organizations

  • BC Association of Clinical Counsellors - License #20723

Favorite Piece of Advice

The next time you find yourself in a conflict with someone you care for, ask yourself if your heart is open or closed. When you lead every interaction with openness and curiosity, you can always find a way to repair.

wikiHow's Editorial ProcesswikiHow partners with over 1000+ experts from a wide range of fields to ensure our content is accurate and based on well-established research and testimony. Content Managers conduct interviews and work closely with each expert to review information, answer reader questions, and add credible advice. Learn more about our editorial process and why millions of readers trust wikiHow.

Forum Comments (5)

I Don't Like My Friend's Dating Life
You should always be able to set boundaries in a friendship. You should tell them, "Hey, this doesn't mean anything about our friendship, but I'd prefer it if we talked about your new girlfriend less when we're together. It's a personal thing, and I don't want to get into it, but I'd prefer to keep our conversations about other topics." Hopefully, they can respect that.

You should also realize that everyone needs to go through some kind of canon event to help them grow as a person. They're not going to realize it by you telling them. They have to live through it. Part of this is also that you need to have grace and love for your friend to trust that your friend has the strength to get past this, right? You just need to give them some time, but you can only watch from afar.

You can't fix their life for them, so practice detachment as much as you can. Remember that everyone has their own journey to become the person they're meant to be, and their new girlfriend is a part of that journey.
Beliefs feel mocked
It seems like you're in turmoil about this decision, which might mean there is something about this friend that really matters to you. A lot of relationships are messy, and no one's perfect. We all do and say problematic things, sometimes. Before you cut this person off, I recommend making space for that part of you that really cares about this person and was deeply hurt by them.

If, after sitting with that part of you, you want to show this person some grace, that's a decision you can make. You can say that your intention is to repair with them, because you value the friendship. Or if the pain was too much, and you decide that they are totally against your values, then you might choose not to repair. But repairing can actually be a good opportunity to teach.

I think conflict can be a good thing. If you go to them and try to carefully explain your philosophy and side, and even if in the end, you have to end the friendship, know that they're going to think about this friendship and interaction at some point down the line. This could be an important learning moment for them to start respecting other belief systems, even if it doesn't work out between the two of you.
Am I a narcissist?
This is a challenging dilemma and one I grapple with a lot. What's the line between self-care and empathy? They seem fundamentally at odds.

I like to ask myself: do I have the skills to self-soothe and care for myself, and do I have the skills to support others? Do I know how to access and create resources for myself and others? If the answer to one of these is no, then you need to spend some time building skills in that direction (whether self-love or empathy). But we all need to have a balance, and we're not perfect. If sometimes we choose ourselves too much, that doesn't mean we're bad people. It just means we're flawed, like everyone else.

On the flipside, this means we're going to give other people some grace. We're going to understand that they also won't be able to choose others 100% of the time, and that no one can have 100% of their needs met by one person.
To believe or not to believe in your ex-boyfriend's change?
I think it depends on your personal beliefs about change and how humans can change. A lot of us have very rigid parameters about change. For example, some say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I'm not going to prescribe what people should and shouldn't think. But it does depend. I am of the camp that people are always able to change, but change takes time.

I like to ask, "How are they coming forward with their intention to change?" Have they shown consistency? Have they put in the work and taken the time that change takes? You want to see consistent actions that prove that something is different. Right now, I'd look for more consistency in his words and actions before you make a decision.
Is he just attached but not in love? Situationship Final Boss
It's important for you to remember that your relationship is no longer what it was. Obviously, you had a friendship, but now it's turned romantic. A lot of times, we're in turmoil because we can't accept the fact that our dynamic with the other person has already changed.

It might be hard for him to accept these new feelings and this dynamic, and he might be maintaining the siutationship because he's not ready to fully come to terms with the change in your friendship and move into romance. I think you need to have a conversation with him and make him confront the situation. Say, "I really value you as a friend, and if you're not ready to truly move forward romantically, I'm okay to go back to friends, but I need more clarity."

This may actually give him some relief. He might realize that he has been delaying his commitment and vulnerability to you, and decide he's ready. Or, he'll tell you that what he really wants is to just be friends. That would hurt, I know, but it would give you clarity and help you start to move your relationship back to a friendship.

Co-authored Articles (12)

How Well Do I Know My Sister Quiz

Having a sister = having a built-in best friend. But how well do you know her, actually? Are you the #1 expert on all her lore and an A+ sister, or are you two not so close? Just answer these questions, starting with ...

How to Turn off Your Emotions and Take Back the Power

Helpful techniques to distract your mind and bodyBeing in tune with your emotions is a great thing, and it can lead to deeper connections and more awareness overall. However, when your emotions control you, they can seri...

How to

Calm Yourself During an Anxiety Attack

Registered clinical counselor Nicole Lam provides techniques to calm an anxiety attackPanic attacks are feelings of intense anxiety, often characterized by rapid heartbeat, shaking, breathlessness, nausea, and dizziness....

Here's How to Respond When Your Girlfriend Ignores You

Relationship coach Nicole Lam explains how to deal with feelings of rejection if your girlfriend ignores youYour girlfriend used to be excited to see you, but now it feels like she's always either angry at you or doesn't...

20+ Ways to Live Life to the Fullest

Plus, explore the many benefits of living your best life You've likely heard that you should live life to the fullest, but what does that even mean? Well, first of all, get that "should" out of here. What you ''should'' ...

What to Do When Your Mom Says Hurtful Things: How to React

Relationship coach Nicole Lam explains what to do if your mom says mean, hurtful thingsYour relationship with your mom is supposed to be one of the most special relationships in your life, which makes it that much harder...

How to

Calm Down

Registered clinical counselor Nicole Lam shares techniques to feel more calmAnger, stress, and anxiety are enough to get anyone worked up. While it might seem impossible to control your emotions, you can teach yourself t...

Relationship OCD Test

Do you constantly wonder if your partner is the right person for you? Despite being in love with someone great, do you incessantly think about their flaws, doubt their love, or even worry that they’re cheating (even wh...

What Is TikTok's Care Bear Method?

Plus expert-backed ways to get your crush’s attentionThere are plenty of dating tactics thanks to TikTok, like the Care Bear method. The Care Bear method is when you ghost someone online to get them to reach out to you...

How to

Deal with Sensitive People

Sensitive people are an important part of the social fabric; their ability to feel and sense things strongly has a vital role in such fields as the arts, human relations and social well-being. Fifteen to twenty percent o...

How to

Romanticize Your Life

Do you wish you could slow down and enjoy the little things that make life so sweet? It's easier than you think! The concept of "romanticizing your life" is a trend about celebrating yourself and making even the most ord...

A Guide to Self-Validation: Why It Matters & How to Use It

Learn the key to accepting your feelings and empowering yourself Do you ever feel like you have no problem validating your friends and loved ones but can’t seem to work up that positive energy for yourself? You’re no...